The Dangers of Unforgiveness and Its Benefits

Unforgiveness is something that grows...it will destroy us and our relationship with God and with others. 

 **The downward spiral:  Begins with Unforgiveness, then goes to Resentment, then there is a desire for Revenge. This is followed by Bitterness and hatred and Actually Taking Revenge.

Benefits of forgiveness:

1. Our relationship with God is restored and opens us up to His blessings and peace.

 Ps 32:1-2,6   Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one
whose sin the Lord does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin. Therefore let all the faithful pray to you while you may be found; surely the rising of the mighty waters will not reach them.

 2. The relationship with Jesus on a day-by-day basis is restored and enjoyed.

I John 1:7-9

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

* From Search for Significance, McGee, Lifeway Publishers

** From The Power to Forgive, Hirtler, Amazon.com

Why is Forgiveness So Important?

 Why is Forgiveness so Important?

What does Jesus say?

 1.   Unforgiveness blocks God’s forgiveness from us!

              Mt 6: 12-15   And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

            Mk 11: 25   And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

 2.  It affects our worship.

            Mt 5:23-24  “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,  leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

 3. Our relationship with others is one way we are judged by God.

           Mt. 18:32-35  “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger, his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.  “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

4. Our relationships with others should be that of forgiveness not judgment. God will deal with us as we deal with others.

      Lk. 6:37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

              

 *Problems in our lives that stem directly from a lack of forgiveness:

 1.   Stress (holding inside bitterness and anger)

2.   Self-inflicted re-injury (re-experiencing pain by reliving the event)

3.   No more love (withdrawing and failing to love others)

4.   Bitterness (affecting one’s disposition)

5.   Perpetual conflict (anticipating more hurt; staying on the defensive)

6.   Walls that keep others out (become anxious and threatened when personal intimacy becomes possible)

 

*Indicators that reveal we may have unforgiveness in our hearts toward someone:

1.   being harsh toward others

2.   being demanding

3.   being resentful

4.   finding fault easily

5.   holding grudges

6.   negative feelings about the person when they are around

7.   avoiding the person

 Indicators that reveal we may not have forgiven ourselves for something.

1.   being self-critical

2.   being guilt-ridden

3.   being driven by “ought to’s”

4.   overcompensating for our own mistakes

5.   pride and arrogance as a way to prove our self-worth

6.   irrational fears and phobias

7.   keeping secrets

8.   building walls around ourselves

9.   pushing ourselves hard

10. overly critical of others

 Indicators that reveal we may have unforgiveness toward God:

1.   withdrawing from religious activities such as church attendance, Bible study and prayer.

2.   anger at church people, especially leaders

3.   refusal to talk about religious things

4.   deliberately doing things contrary to God’s laws or commands

5.   attempting to influence others not to be committed to God

6.   sharing doubts about God with others

7.   depression and purposelessness

 

Understanding What Forgiveness IS and IS NOT

 Understanding What Forgiveness is and is not

*What forgiveness is NOT:

-it is not an erasure of memory. Forgiving is not forgetting.

-it does not mean that the seriousness of the offense has been minimized.

-it does not mean giving the offender full reign to repeat the offense.

-it does not mean excusing the offense.

-it does not mean that the person doesn’t have to face the consequences of his/her sin.

-it does not mean all of the damage is overlooked.

-it does not mean that trust is automatically restored.

-it does not mean the other person was right.

*What forgiveness IS:

-it is going on with our lives.

-it is no longer allowing the offender or the offense to control us.

-it is working through the anger, hurt, and bitterness to let them go, so the offender cannot continue to control us.

It is no longer blaming ourselves for the offense or its results.

*What causes unforgiveness?

-the offense was too great.

-the person will not accept responsibility or admit to the offense.

-the person isn’t truly sorry.

-the person never asked for forgiveness.

-the person did it too many times.

-we don’t like the person.

-the person did the offense deliberately.

-if I forgive, I will have to treat the offender well.

-someone has to punish the person for the offense.


**Why do we need to forgive?

2 Cor. 2:10-11
Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.


Mt 6:14-15For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.




Mt 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.



And don’t forget: We must forgive because unforgiveness will poison us and cause us great harm.

Jesus knows what unforgiveness does to us so He strongly tells us not to harbor it in our hearts no matter how much we have been wronged. It will only destroy us. It does not hurt the one who hurt us. It blocks our prayers, hurts our relationships, keeps us from enjoying full fellowship with the Lord, poisons our own minds, hearts and bodies. It keeps us from experiencing the healing we need and blocks God's grace to us. It blocks His Spirit from flowing from within us to others, too. So, it is something we need to deal with seriously!

Forgiveness

 A few months ago, I led a study at a local church on the topic of forgiveness. It was a blessing to me to do the study and seemed to help those who attended. I thought it would be helpful to share some of the information with others. Here is my first posting on the topic.

How to Become a Forgiving Person:

How we need to pray:
Ps 139:23-24 Search me, God, and know my heart;  test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,  and lead me in the way everlasting.

　
Ps 19:12-14 But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults.  Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression. May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart  be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer

Keeping our focus:
Col. 3:12-13   Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
　

Mt 7:12   So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

　
Remember these principles about forgiveness:
It is a choice, not a feeling.
It is the power of God within us that enables us to forgive.
We must keep a watch for bitter roots and keep them rooted out! (Heb 12:14-15)
We must remember the tactics of Satan against us: Rev. 12
We must guard our own hearts with all diligence. Prov 4:23

The Process of Forgiving:
　
Being willing to call things as they are and to admit how something hurt us.
Do not pile up offenses before dealing with them.
Do not minimize how something affects you even if it does not seem rational at the time.
Don’t let others increase or decrease the reality of what hurt or offended you.
Understand your own sinfulness and be willing to ask God to forgive your reaction to someone.
Don’t minimize your offenses and maximize those of others.
No hypocrisy or false nice-ness.
Don’t look for others to fail so you will feel justified in how you react.
Remember that everyone thinks they are right, and sometimes they are!
Remember that no one has to deserve our forgiveness for it to be the right thing for us to do. We don’t deserve God’s forgiveness!
Surrender your need to be "king of queen of the hill."
No ‘speck-inspecting’ while a plank is in our own eyes.
Don’t try to do this on your own. Ask God for His help and mercy.
Let God handle the lies and innuendos and protect your reputation.
Ask God for forgiveness for your own reactions to the offenses.
Ask God for forgiveness for blaming Him for these bad things that happened to you.
As Him to show you what you might need to learn about yourself.

Steps to Healing:
　

Stay open with God.
Stay connected to your spiritual support group.
Yield to the process and accept it as necessary.
Give the Lord time to heal you.
Do not rewound yourself by thinking about and talking about the offense.
Pray blessings on those who have hurt you.
Change your negative thinking to positive thinking.
Remember the weakness and sinfulness of your own heart.
Practice treating others as you would have them treat you.
Keep the bitter roots out of your mind and heart. Do not nurture them!
Keep your spiritual disciplines strong and be on the alert for your Enemy and his tactics.
Start and continue praising God for the victory He will give you!

 

Stepping into a New Year

It was like most other days…nothing happening that would catch their attention. They were working, watching, and thinking. There seemed to be a lot of time to think. Others who worked in the daytime were sleeping, at home with loved ones; he and the other on the night shift had to work. Because they were outside, they were chilled from the night air. They were aware that danger might be lurking nearby, but that thought alone helped them stay awake, when they really wanted to nod off for a while. Gazing into the night skies often caused them to wonder if they were really as satisfied with life as they pretended to be. But such star-gazing was one way to help them to overcome the sheer boredom of their night-shift job. An occasional shooting star, or the brightness of a full moon, would catch their attention, but such occasions often stirred something deep within them. The monotony of their usually quiet life sometimes thrust them into darkened moods that disturbed them. Whenever that happened, they were glad to hear the sounds of their startled sheep, because it jerked them out of their discouragement, thrusting them back into the reality of their present life with its mundane responsibilities. Could anything ever happen that would fulfill that longing that they felt when they were quiet enough and willing enough to acknowledge the emptiness of soul.
          Then it happened. It was the brightest light that they had ever seen. Stunned into silence, they heard the message: “I bring you tidings of great joy,” the heavenly messenger said, after he spoke to assure them that they should not be afraid of him or of the message.  “The Messiah, the Savior of the world, has been born.” The instructions about how the shepherds could find this “Source of great joy” was quickly followed by an angelic chorus, filling the heavens with glory and praise to the God who loved His creation enough to bring about the way of true joy. The Son of God Himself had come to win His creation back.
         The shepherds were jubilant, or course, praising God and sharing their joy with everyone who would listen. But, then they went back to their sheep. But this time, the night shift seemed different. Their perspective on life, and on its difficulties or mundaneness, was different. Their hearts were filled with joy and praise, with wonder and excitement. They were told the message, and they responded. They saw for themselves, and they were changed. They praised, and the joy of hope welled up in their hearts. They were loved. They were important after all. Their lives could be filled with the true meaning for which God had created them.
         No matter how life is treating us, whether it is good or bad, there is a message that we must believe, if we want to experience the joy that both God and we want. There is meaning in life and joy unspeakable when we believe the message and “go see for ourselves. When we go and then spread the message of praise to others, our lives take on new meaning. What will you do as you face a new and unknown year? “Come and see…then go and tell.”

                                                                                             -Alice Cullinan

Do I Really Believe in Prayer?

I don’t think that I was in a hurry. I had about 30 minutes before the online Bible class that I teach each Sunday morning via zoom would begin. The pandemic has forced us all to make many adjustments in our lives. I approached the sunporch on the back of my house, a screened-in porch that I had enclosed some years ago. It is where I have my devotions each morning and the place where I do most of my studying. In my left hand was a cup of hot tea, as I descended the short flight of steps from the kitchen into the sun room. I wanted to spend a few moments in worship and study before I opened up the zoom room to those who meet with me there for study.
I didn’t feel hurried. I had awakened earlier than usual that morning. I made sure to hold onto the railing as I descended the steps, a practice I decided upon some years ago. What happened next, I am not sure. Before I knew it, I had lost my balance on the bottom of the steps and was flailing across the room trying to keep from falling. I was not successful in staying upright, and found myself falling onto the concrete floor. I hit my head on the arm of the couch, barely missing a wooden end table beside it. There I lay, stunned and hurting. Thankfully, I had my cell phone on my belt. I could immediately tell that the fall was a serious one. I hurt everywhere and felt my heart beating very fast as it skipped beats.
           I reached for the cellphone and called Carolyn, who was in her bedroom; I asked her to come out to the sunporch. Before she had time to even get there, as an almost automatic reaction to what had just occurred, I managed to text a couple of ‘praying friends’ this short message: “Fell; need prayer.” I could hardly move, and I could not get up…I was still on the floor lying in the position where I landed. My head was resting beside the end table that I had barely missed when I fell. But I could text…and did…even before I had given it any thought. I had talked with Jesus, of course, even in the fraction of time that I had been flying through the air…and upon landing. But I also knew that I needed the prayers of others. I didn’t have to think about who those prayer supporters might be. I knew already. These friends are on ‘praying ground,’ and I am glad. I knew that they would immediately pray.
I contemplated whether to call the rescue squad, but needed a few minutes to see if I would recuperate if I just laid there for a few minutes. After about 10 minutes, during which time I was asking the Lord for wisdom to know what to do, Carolyn helped me sit up…and then stand up. I had read that it is always a good idea for the elderly to be checked out after a fall, and although I hate to admit that I fit into that category, I told her that I probably should go. I added that I preferred not to ride in the back of an emergency vehicle, since I remembered from a past experience how unpleasant that ride can be.
      While I sat with icepacks on various places on my body, I asked her to open up my zoom meeting and tell them that we would have to postpone our class. I knew that they would join the others in praying for me, too. By then, I had decided to go to the emergency room, but remembered that people with Covid 19 would be there, too! So, I asked the Lord for direction. Later I went, and after x-rays and a CT scan, I learned that nothing was broken! There were prayers of praise at that moment!
         As I write this, it is only the day after my flying-dive onto the concrete floor. Yes, icepacks are still my friend, as are Tylenol tablets.
        Can you answer my original question about prayer? Do I believe in it? The obvious answer is “yes.” Not only have I written two books on the topic, I know personally that prayer is my joyful lifeline to the Lord. I don’t have to even give it a thought…talking with Him is a vital part of my life, on good days as well as when I experience a trauma. I also realize the importance of praying for each other, and am grateful that I have friends upon whom I can rely. My decision to reach out to them for support as I lay on the floor was an automatic reaction. I didn’t have to ponder it for a moment!
        How about you? Do you realize the joy of walking with the Lord, talking with and listening to the very God of the universe? It doesn’t matter if you are sitting out on the beach or lying prone on a concrete floor, the best thing you will ever do is to fellowship with the Lord through prayer.

Alice R. Cullinan           

Being Still

Being Still

            Most of us are familiar with Psalm 46:10 that tells us to ‘be still and know that I am God.’ But most of us would admit that obeying this verse, actually being still in the midst of our frequently tumultuous lives, is very difficult for us. Thankfully, our Lord realizes how difficult this is for us to do. I am sure this is the reason the Bible is filled with reminders of just how important being still before God really is. And thankfully, He also tells us what to do in order to be successful. Most of our difficulty is not with external circumstances; the problem is within. Our thinking is wrong. Reading the entire psalm will help us focus on truth that will enable us to experience this calmness of heart and mind. For instance, ‘God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble’ is a truth that should produce calmness of heart if we believe it! What trouble, no matter how large and seemingly impossible, is too big for God to handle?

            Consider some other truths in this psalm: ‘The Lord Almighty is with us; the God is Jacob is our fortress.’ ‘I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.’ ‘Be still and know….’ What we KNOW, what we believe, is what either gives us calmness or robs us of it.

            Perhaps the following expansion of some of the concepts in Psalm 46 will be helpful.

            

-       Be still and become more deeply and intimately acquainted with me.

-       Be still and recognize and understand the wonders of my person more strongly and more clearly.

-       Be still and know that I am the Great I AM. I am Who and What you need, always and forever.

-       Be still and know that you need never fear. I am your fortress and refuge. You are safe with me. Nothing is too difficult for me.

-       Be still and know that I am here with you and will always be.

-       Be still and know that I am in control of everything.

-       Be still and know that all will turn out well.

           

            Consider these references in the Bible that give us additional helpful instruction and information:

             Ex. 14:14  “The Lord will fight for you: you need only be still.”

            Ps. 37:7 “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people           succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.”

            The conclusion to which I have come is this: (1) Being still is the will of God for us; (2) Being still is possible if I focus on the truth God’s word reveals; (3) NOT being still robs me of peace that I should be experiencing and is disobedience on my part; (4) Fretting, worrying, fear and anxiety are all evidence that I am focusing in the wrong places and on error instead of truth.

            Although the ‘norm’ for us humans is NOT stillness before God, it is something that can and should be there and WILL be there if we learn how to keep our minds focused on God.

Reflections on the loss of a beloved pet

This is an article that I wrote for our local newspaper shortly after the loss of one of my much-loved pets. I see so many experiencing the same pain, and thought it would be helpful to post this article on my blog for people to read and refer to others.
   -Alice

Tears were flowing readily. No matter how much self-talk I tried, the sadness lingered. “He was only a dog,” someone might say, hoping to help alleviate the obvious pain I was feeling. But thankfully, no one was foolish enough to say that to me, at least to my face. Most everyone with whom I shared my loss was very familiar with the place in my heart and life that Dusty, my Shih Tzu, had occupied for over 15 years. “What about this little companion had made such an impression on my heart that his death would cause such pain,” I wondered? Only another pet-lover can really understand, but it does help to look at the situation. Like me, you may find great delight in thinking you are tough and an emotional “super-woman or super-man.” But who are we kidding? Animal lovers can be real softies! That is why the departure of my furry friend has made such an impression on me. Bear with me as I muse a bit on the pain of losing a dear pet.

            Why do pets endear themselves to their owners? Is it because they let us spoil them so easily? Is it that they show us unconditional acceptance and love, a rare commodity in this cruel world? Is it their sheer presence that keeps loneliness at bay?

            Are some of the tears when they die the result of memories that linger, the times when the pet was there to show comfort when no one else was around to do so? To be sure, our blood pressure may be lowered because we have a pet, but is that the reason we cry when they die? Perhaps the sadness comes from realizing our own mortality and our wonder if someone will miss us and cry over us when we die. Perhaps we cry because we could not do anything to prevent their death, and had to even decide when and if to ‘put them to sleep.’ This painful experience can be a reminder that we have very little control over things in life, especially life and death issues.

            The tears also may come from the realization that not everyone will be as forgiving of us as they were, or as ready to accept us in our weaknesses and love us even when we are unlovely, as they always did. Perhaps they also taught us what it means to live in the moment, to enjoy each day as if it were made especially for us, to be happy with the basic essentials. Perhaps their contentment and desire to be with their loved ones serves as a reminder to us that sometimes we desire things more than we love people.

            Yes, Dusty, you taught me much about life, love and God. I shall ponder much on your little life, and hope I am a better person for having been your ‘mom.’ And may the One who said that not even a sparrow will fall to the ground without His watchful eye continue to bless both the pets and their owners who have much to learn from their lives.

Dealing with Troubles

Dealing with Troubles

Since troubles are often what cause us to be discouraged, in order to keep from being discouraged, it is helpful to know what to do with troubles when they come! The following verses are helpful:

1.     Ps 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.” We are not in the trouble alone.

2.     Job 14: 1 “Man born of woman is of few days and full of trouble.” We should not be surprised when we face trouble. It is a part of being human.

3.     Ps 107:13 “Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.” We should never forget to call out to the Lord when we are in trouble. Trying to solve problems without His help is foolish.

4.     Mt. 6:34 “Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Keeping focused on today is helpful. When we borrow trouble from tomorrow, we do not have the strength or courage to do what we have to do today.

5.     Prov. 24:10 “If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your faith.” We should keep our faith strong, so when troubles hit us, we can handle them.

6.     John 16: 33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Although troubles are normal in this world of sin, Jesus has overcome the world and promises to give us peace and strength to deal with them.

7.     Romans 8 35-37 “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” It is helpful to remember that no trouble that hits us, even the ones we cause ourselves, can ever separate us from Christ’s love.

8.     John 14:1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.” We have some control over how our hearts react to troubles. One good way to help is to remember the promises of God. Things really are going to have a happy ending!

9.     John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” Jesus gave us peace, and we can enjoy it whenever we need it. Our responsibility is to focus on Him and not allow our hearts to become fearful and distressed.

10. 2 Cor. 4:17 “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” Our role: Keep our focus on the eternal. 

Publishing a Devotional Guide

Since several of you have asked about publishing devotional guides, I decided to write a post that will give you a few guidelines:

Publishing Devotional guides

 

Here are a few things I have learned from my experience with writing and publishing that I hope will help you in your quest to publish a devotional book.

 

1. Publishers are not really interested in publishing devotional guides unless the person is already a well-known writer. There are SO many devotional guides out there, and the publishers want to sell books. They realize that the ones written by well-known preachers and speakers have a better chance of selling.

2. There are many 'publishers' or 'printing houses' or what some called 'vanity publishers' out there who will publish your book if you pay for it. They also say they will help you promote it, but in essence they are a printing company and you do the paying and the promoting and the selling. If you MUST publish, here are some suggestions:

    a. anyone can put their book on Amazon and Barnes and Noble (BN.com), free. (You can also publish on IBooks, but this involves obtaining copyright, etc....a real pain and costly). The royalties are a small percentage, but it does not cost you anything to put something on their sites. And you can promote your book to friends, family, etc., through emails and Facebook, and word of mouth, and hope people will buy it. You decide how much to charge, and the major work for you is learning how to put the book in the required format for each site. Both sites are working to make that as user-friendly as possible and the instructions are available for you to use. If you are not computer savvy, however, you may want to pay someone else to do this for you, but the more you shell out, the less your profit will be. You can also xerox copies yourself, the most economical way usually.

    b. you can pay to have a local printer print the book , and you do all of the selling and promoting yourself. You can try to recoup your investment and you determine the selling price.

 3. If you want a hard copy of the book, whether or not you use the online sites, I think it best to try to print or copy the books yourself, or hire a local printer. I would not recommend that you use vanity house publishers. They are very costly.

4. You can send a few pages of your book to various recognized publishers and hope someone will want to publish it. If they decide to do so, they will pay all of the cost for printing and promoting and will give you a small percentage in royalties. If you decide to try this, you will need to purchase a copy of "The Christian Writer's Market Guide" (available on amazon.com) which will give you the names of the publishers, the editors' names and addresses, and what they require with your submissions.

 

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

Understanding and Dealing with Anger

            Why do some find it easy to feel and display anger while others do not? Why do some of us feel afraid when someone expresses angry feelings in our presence, whether or not these tirades are directed at us? Why do some seem to hang onto anger and even cherish the thoughts that keep them angry instead of feeling the initial emotion and then moving on? Why do some seem to be able to express anger quickly, drop it and move on, apparently unscathed?  Why are some people so intimidated and even controlled by angry people, while others can laugh and walk away and assign the responsibility to the offending person? Why do some people fear their own emotions, and anger is one they fear the most? Why do some repress and some express anger?

            There are many books and articles dealing with anger and how to understand and manage it, and if you want to get a handle on the topic, it will be helpful to read far and wide on the topic. But allow me to share just a few things I have learned from my own reading and experience that may be helpful to you.

            Fight and flight are two of the most powerful and perhaps basic reactions that we humans experience, with all of the varying emotions and behaviors that accompany them. We are equipped in ways that serve to protect us from anything and anyone who would hurt us. Love and hate are also innate. Our goal is to live as fulfilling a life as possible, and when anything or anyone disrupts that, we either fight or flee. And when love or security is threatened, the fight or flight alarm bells are awakened with great intensity. I believe that is why the matter of personal relationships is a chief reason for much of the anger we feel. A basic need of humans is the matter of giving and receiving love. This is basic to personal worth and emotional survival. And if that goal is thwarted in any way, I will either flee (to get away from further pain) or I will fight, some of which I choose to display in angry words and actions.

            Another purpose for anger is to cover up other feelings that are more difficult to handle. In other words, many times anger is simply a cover-up for the feeling of fear or hurt. These particular feelings are very painful, and anger is something I think I can handle better. It makes me feel more in control of what is happening. When I fear or hurt, I feel more out of control, that there is nothing I can do but feel the pain. Anger gives me options. I can vent in ways that are acceptable to me and empower me somehow.

            Note some other ways anger is manifested as a covering-up agent:

I get angry when someone treats me badly, ignores or discredits me. What might be the underlying true feelings that anger is masking in these incidents? How about some of these: feeling rejected, feeling unloved or unappreciated, feeling of little value or worth. Obviously, anger is something I can handle better than these emotions!

            What about something like ‘road rage?’ Doesn’t it seem absurd that anyone could get so angry with another driver for cutting in or doing something stupid (like we all do at times) that we want to holler, scream, make gestures and even attempt to run them off the road!? What is really going on here? Why is anger surfacing in such an absurd way? At this time of the road incident, we are obviously thinking some rather bizarre thoughts, such as: “I am king of this highway and should be able to do what I want and when I want to without any interference.” “Your behavior almost caused me to be late, hurt, or inconvenienced. How unthoughtful and stupid of you.” “Your behavior made me look stupid, and I do not appreciate it one bit.” And on and on. The point is, no one can MAKE me angry by what they say or do, don’t say or do. But if I THINK they are in any way a threat or that they do not appreciate how wonderful I am, I will try to control them and the situation by being angry. I choose to do that because of other threats I am actually feeling.

            Something else we need to think about: Why does the anger of others make me feel uncomfortable, maybe even threatened? And why do I feel the compulsion at times to be a peacemaker or to fix the situation so the other person will no longer feel anger? Back to the heart of the entire matter. I have needs and fears, and what happens in the lives of others, specifically those who are important to me on one level or another, really does effect me. My threat-level is heightened when anger is around me, because I may (1) worry that I am really the cause and therefore may be hurt or rejected in some way; (2) the emotion is simply one I am not comfortable around, perhaps because of past experiences with people who were angry. Sometimes my fear of anger in others is a fear of losing control or of being hurt by the angry person. Some of the fear may linger from times in our past and even in our childhood when an angry person did hurt or threaten us in some way. How many children have been traumatized by the anger of a parent toward them?

            So, what can I do about anger, in myself and in others?

1.     I would suggest that you read as much as you can about the subject, because understanding something is the best first step in knowing how to deal with it.

2.     Examine your own life as far as the anger-emotion is concerned. How does it manifest itself in your own life? Look back at how you and your family dealt with and expressed anger? Was it allowed in your family? Did you learn healthy ways to express it, or were you taught to repress it? Do you fear angry people? Have you ever used this emotion to cover up a more painful one? Do you do that on a regular basis? Do you suppress anger or tend to hold on to it for a long time?

            How can I help others deal with their anger? Here are a few things to consider/keep in mind:

1.     Realize that they are more than likely masking more hurtful or deeply painful feelings. Your own fear can be dissipated and replaced by compassion when you realize what is really happening.

2.     Remember that they have learned how to cope with their pain by using anger, and you should not try to diffuse the anger when they are using it. If you do, you will make them more vulnerable to the pain that is causing the anger in the first place. Any discussion or help will have to occur after they have dealt with or diffused the anger they are experiencing.

3.     Realize that some people need professional counseling to help resolve anger. Your main role is to be someone who allows them to vent when appropriate while trying to help them build on strengths or relationships that will empower their threatened ego.

4.     Do not add to their pain by discounting what they are feeling. Being supportive, understanding and a good listener are your best tools when they are in pain.

5.     Come to grips with your own anger, how you deal with it, what you fear about it, and whether you have a desire to keep it alive. Or you may be someone who wants to eliminate it at all costs, in yourself and in others. If you understand what is happening, you will more likely feel less discomfort by someone’s outbursts, and therefore you can be more supportive.

6.     You will have to decide whether or not you are helpful or whether you are an enabler as far as the progress of the person is concerned. Sometimes we have difficulty being the accountability someone needs because of our own issues. 

7.     Pray that the Lord will help heal the person of the hurts that are causing the anger the person is expressing. You can share your own story with them as to what you have learned about your own anger. In such a non-threatening way, you may be able to be the light that brightens their darkness.