Understanding and Dealing with Anger

            Why do some find it easy to feel and display anger while others do not? Why do some of us feel afraid when someone expresses angry feelings in our presence, whether or not these tirades are directed at us? Why do some seem to hang onto anger and even cherish the thoughts that keep them angry instead of feeling the initial emotion and then moving on? Why do some seem to be able to express anger quickly, drop it and move on, apparently unscathed?  Why are some people so intimidated and even controlled by angry people, while others can laugh and walk away and assign the responsibility to the offending person? Why do some people fear their own emotions, and anger is one they fear the most? Why do some repress and some express anger?

            There are many books and articles dealing with anger and how to understand and manage it, and if you want to get a handle on the topic, it will be helpful to read far and wide on the topic. But allow me to share just a few things I have learned from my own reading and experience that may be helpful to you.

            Fight and flight are two of the most powerful and perhaps basic reactions that we humans experience, with all of the varying emotions and behaviors that accompany them. We are equipped in ways that serve to protect us from anything and anyone who would hurt us. Love and hate are also innate. Our goal is to live as fulfilling a life as possible, and when anything or anyone disrupts that, we either fight or flee. And when love or security is threatened, the fight or flight alarm bells are awakened with great intensity. I believe that is why the matter of personal relationships is a chief reason for much of the anger we feel. A basic need of humans is the matter of giving and receiving love. This is basic to personal worth and emotional survival. And if that goal is thwarted in any way, I will either flee (to get away from further pain) or I will fight, some of which I choose to display in angry words and actions.

            Another purpose for anger is to cover up other feelings that are more difficult to handle. In other words, many times anger is simply a cover-up for the feeling of fear or hurt. These particular feelings are very painful, and anger is something I think I can handle better. It makes me feel more in control of what is happening. When I fear or hurt, I feel more out of control, that there is nothing I can do but feel the pain. Anger gives me options. I can vent in ways that are acceptable to me and empower me somehow.

            Note some other ways anger is manifested as a covering-up agent:

I get angry when someone treats me badly, ignores or discredits me. What might be the underlying true feelings that anger is masking in these incidents? How about some of these: feeling rejected, feeling unloved or unappreciated, feeling of little value or worth. Obviously, anger is something I can handle better than these emotions!

            What about something like ‘road rage?’ Doesn’t it seem absurd that anyone could get so angry with another driver for cutting in or doing something stupid (like we all do at times) that we want to holler, scream, make gestures and even attempt to run them off the road!? What is really going on here? Why is anger surfacing in such an absurd way? At this time of the road incident, we are obviously thinking some rather bizarre thoughts, such as: “I am king of this highway and should be able to do what I want and when I want to without any interference.” “Your behavior almost caused me to be late, hurt, or inconvenienced. How unthoughtful and stupid of you.” “Your behavior made me look stupid, and I do not appreciate it one bit.” And on and on. The point is, no one can MAKE me angry by what they say or do, don’t say or do. But if I THINK they are in any way a threat or that they do not appreciate how wonderful I am, I will try to control them and the situation by being angry. I choose to do that because of other threats I am actually feeling.

            Something else we need to think about: Why does the anger of others make me feel uncomfortable, maybe even threatened? And why do I feel the compulsion at times to be a peacemaker or to fix the situation so the other person will no longer feel anger? Back to the heart of the entire matter. I have needs and fears, and what happens in the lives of others, specifically those who are important to me on one level or another, really does effect me. My threat-level is heightened when anger is around me, because I may (1) worry that I am really the cause and therefore may be hurt or rejected in some way; (2) the emotion is simply one I am not comfortable around, perhaps because of past experiences with people who were angry. Sometimes my fear of anger in others is a fear of losing control or of being hurt by the angry person. Some of the fear may linger from times in our past and even in our childhood when an angry person did hurt or threaten us in some way. How many children have been traumatized by the anger of a parent toward them?

            So, what can I do about anger, in myself and in others?

1.     I would suggest that you read as much as you can about the subject, because understanding something is the best first step in knowing how to deal with it.

2.     Examine your own life as far as the anger-emotion is concerned. How does it manifest itself in your own life? Look back at how you and your family dealt with and expressed anger? Was it allowed in your family? Did you learn healthy ways to express it, or were you taught to repress it? Do you fear angry people? Have you ever used this emotion to cover up a more painful one? Do you do that on a regular basis? Do you suppress anger or tend to hold on to it for a long time?

            How can I help others deal with their anger? Here are a few things to consider/keep in mind:

1.     Realize that they are more than likely masking more hurtful or deeply painful feelings. Your own fear can be dissipated and replaced by compassion when you realize what is really happening.

2.     Remember that they have learned how to cope with their pain by using anger, and you should not try to diffuse the anger when they are using it. If you do, you will make them more vulnerable to the pain that is causing the anger in the first place. Any discussion or help will have to occur after they have dealt with or diffused the anger they are experiencing.

3.     Realize that some people need professional counseling to help resolve anger. Your main role is to be someone who allows them to vent when appropriate while trying to help them build on strengths or relationships that will empower their threatened ego.

4.     Do not add to their pain by discounting what they are feeling. Being supportive, understanding and a good listener are your best tools when they are in pain.

5.     Come to grips with your own anger, how you deal with it, what you fear about it, and whether you have a desire to keep it alive. Or you may be someone who wants to eliminate it at all costs, in yourself and in others. If you understand what is happening, you will more likely feel less discomfort by someone’s outbursts, and therefore you can be more supportive.

6.     You will have to decide whether or not you are helpful or whether you are an enabler as far as the progress of the person is concerned. Sometimes we have difficulty being the accountability someone needs because of our own issues. 

7.     Pray that the Lord will help heal the person of the hurts that are causing the anger the person is expressing. You can share your own story with them as to what you have learned about your own anger. In such a non-threatening way, you may be able to be the light that brightens their darkness.