The Dangers of Unforgiveness and Its Benefits

Unforgiveness is something that grows...it will destroy us and our relationship with God and with others. 

 **The downward spiral:  Begins with Unforgiveness, then goes to Resentment, then there is a desire for Revenge. This is followed by Bitterness and hatred and Actually Taking Revenge.

Benefits of forgiveness:

1. Our relationship with God is restored and opens us up to His blessings and peace.

 Ps 32:1-2,6   Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one
whose sin the Lord does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin. Therefore let all the faithful pray to you while you may be found; surely the rising of the mighty waters will not reach them.

 2. The relationship with Jesus on a day-by-day basis is restored and enjoyed.

I John 1:7-9

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

* From Search for Significance, McGee, Lifeway Publishers

** From The Power to Forgive, Hirtler, Amazon.com

Why is Forgiveness So Important?

 Why is Forgiveness so Important?

What does Jesus say?

 1.   Unforgiveness blocks God’s forgiveness from us!

              Mt 6: 12-15   And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

            Mk 11: 25   And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

 2.  It affects our worship.

            Mt 5:23-24  “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you,  leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

 3. Our relationship with others is one way we are judged by God.

           Mt. 18:32-35  “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger, his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.  “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

4. Our relationships with others should be that of forgiveness not judgment. God will deal with us as we deal with others.

      Lk. 6:37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

              

 *Problems in our lives that stem directly from a lack of forgiveness:

 1.   Stress (holding inside bitterness and anger)

2.   Self-inflicted re-injury (re-experiencing pain by reliving the event)

3.   No more love (withdrawing and failing to love others)

4.   Bitterness (affecting one’s disposition)

5.   Perpetual conflict (anticipating more hurt; staying on the defensive)

6.   Walls that keep others out (become anxious and threatened when personal intimacy becomes possible)

 

*Indicators that reveal we may have unforgiveness in our hearts toward someone:

1.   being harsh toward others

2.   being demanding

3.   being resentful

4.   finding fault easily

5.   holding grudges

6.   negative feelings about the person when they are around

7.   avoiding the person

 Indicators that reveal we may not have forgiven ourselves for something.

1.   being self-critical

2.   being guilt-ridden

3.   being driven by “ought to’s”

4.   overcompensating for our own mistakes

5.   pride and arrogance as a way to prove our self-worth

6.   irrational fears and phobias

7.   keeping secrets

8.   building walls around ourselves

9.   pushing ourselves hard

10. overly critical of others

 Indicators that reveal we may have unforgiveness toward God:

1.   withdrawing from religious activities such as church attendance, Bible study and prayer.

2.   anger at church people, especially leaders

3.   refusal to talk about religious things

4.   deliberately doing things contrary to God’s laws or commands

5.   attempting to influence others not to be committed to God

6.   sharing doubts about God with others

7.   depression and purposelessness

 

Understanding What Forgiveness IS and IS NOT

 Understanding What Forgiveness is and is not

*What forgiveness is NOT:

-it is not an erasure of memory. Forgiving is not forgetting.

-it does not mean that the seriousness of the offense has been minimized.

-it does not mean giving the offender full reign to repeat the offense.

-it does not mean excusing the offense.

-it does not mean that the person doesn’t have to face the consequences of his/her sin.

-it does not mean all of the damage is overlooked.

-it does not mean that trust is automatically restored.

-it does not mean the other person was right.

*What forgiveness IS:

-it is going on with our lives.

-it is no longer allowing the offender or the offense to control us.

-it is working through the anger, hurt, and bitterness to let them go, so the offender cannot continue to control us.

It is no longer blaming ourselves for the offense or its results.

*What causes unforgiveness?

-the offense was too great.

-the person will not accept responsibility or admit to the offense.

-the person isn’t truly sorry.

-the person never asked for forgiveness.

-the person did it too many times.

-we don’t like the person.

-the person did the offense deliberately.

-if I forgive, I will have to treat the offender well.

-someone has to punish the person for the offense.


**Why do we need to forgive?

2 Cor. 2:10-11
Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.


Mt 6:14-15For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.




Mt 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.



And don’t forget: We must forgive because unforgiveness will poison us and cause us great harm.

Jesus knows what unforgiveness does to us so He strongly tells us not to harbor it in our hearts no matter how much we have been wronged. It will only destroy us. It does not hurt the one who hurt us. It blocks our prayers, hurts our relationships, keeps us from enjoying full fellowship with the Lord, poisons our own minds, hearts and bodies. It keeps us from experiencing the healing we need and blocks God's grace to us. It blocks His Spirit from flowing from within us to others, too. So, it is something we need to deal with seriously!

Forgiveness

 A few months ago, I led a study at a local church on the topic of forgiveness. It was a blessing to me to do the study and seemed to help those who attended. I thought it would be helpful to share some of the information with others. Here is my first posting on the topic.

How to Become a Forgiving Person:

How we need to pray:
Ps 139:23-24 Search me, God, and know my heart;  test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,  and lead me in the way everlasting.

　
Ps 19:12-14 But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults.  Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression. May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart  be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer

Keeping our focus:
Col. 3:12-13   Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
　

Mt 7:12   So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

　
Remember these principles about forgiveness:
It is a choice, not a feeling.
It is the power of God within us that enables us to forgive.
We must keep a watch for bitter roots and keep them rooted out! (Heb 12:14-15)
We must remember the tactics of Satan against us: Rev. 12
We must guard our own hearts with all diligence. Prov 4:23

The Process of Forgiving:
　
Being willing to call things as they are and to admit how something hurt us.
Do not pile up offenses before dealing with them.
Do not minimize how something affects you even if it does not seem rational at the time.
Don’t let others increase or decrease the reality of what hurt or offended you.
Understand your own sinfulness and be willing to ask God to forgive your reaction to someone.
Don’t minimize your offenses and maximize those of others.
No hypocrisy or false nice-ness.
Don’t look for others to fail so you will feel justified in how you react.
Remember that everyone thinks they are right, and sometimes they are!
Remember that no one has to deserve our forgiveness for it to be the right thing for us to do. We don’t deserve God’s forgiveness!
Surrender your need to be "king of queen of the hill."
No ‘speck-inspecting’ while a plank is in our own eyes.
Don’t try to do this on your own. Ask God for His help and mercy.
Let God handle the lies and innuendos and protect your reputation.
Ask God for forgiveness for your own reactions to the offenses.
Ask God for forgiveness for blaming Him for these bad things that happened to you.
As Him to show you what you might need to learn about yourself.

Steps to Healing:
　

Stay open with God.
Stay connected to your spiritual support group.
Yield to the process and accept it as necessary.
Give the Lord time to heal you.
Do not rewound yourself by thinking about and talking about the offense.
Pray blessings on those who have hurt you.
Change your negative thinking to positive thinking.
Remember the weakness and sinfulness of your own heart.
Practice treating others as you would have them treat you.
Keep the bitter roots out of your mind and heart. Do not nurture them!
Keep your spiritual disciplines strong and be on the alert for your Enemy and his tactics.
Start and continue praising God for the victory He will give you!