Why
do some find it easy to feel and display anger while others do not? Why do some
of us feel afraid when someone expresses angry feelings in our presence,
whether or not these tirades are directed at us? Why do some seem to hang onto
anger and even cherish the thoughts that keep them angry instead of feeling the
initial emotion and then moving on? Why do some seem to be able to express
anger quickly, drop it and move on, apparently unscathed? Why are some people so intimidated and even
controlled by angry people, while others can laugh and walk away and assign the
responsibility to the offending person? Why do some people fear their own
emotions, and anger is one they fear the most? Why do some repress and some
express anger?
There
are many books and articles dealing with anger and how to understand and manage
it, and if you want to get a handle on the topic, it will be helpful to read
far and wide on the topic. But allow me to share just a few things I have
learned from my own reading and experience that may be helpful to you.
Fight
and flight are two of the most powerful and perhaps basic reactions that we
humans experience, with all of the varying emotions and behaviors that
accompany them. We are equipped in ways that serve to protect us from anything
and anyone who would hurt us. Love and hate are also innate. Our goal is to
live as fulfilling a life as possible, and when anything or anyone disrupts
that, we either fight or flee. And when love or security is threatened, the
fight or flight alarm bells are awakened with great intensity. I believe that
is why the matter of personal relationships is a chief reason for much of the
anger we feel. A basic need of humans is the matter of giving and receiving
love. This is basic to personal worth and emotional survival. And if that goal
is thwarted in any way, I will either flee (to get away from further pain) or I
will fight, some of which I choose to display in angry words and actions.
Another
purpose for anger is to cover up other feelings that are more difficult to
handle. In other words, many times anger is simply a cover-up for the feeling
of fear or hurt. These particular feelings are very painful, and anger is
something I think I can handle better. It makes me feel more in control of what
is happening. When I fear or hurt, I feel more out of control, that there is
nothing I can do but feel the pain. Anger gives me options. I can vent in ways
that are acceptable to me and empower me somehow.
Note
some other ways anger is manifested as a covering-up agent:
I get angry when someone treats me
badly, ignores or discredits me. What might be the underlying true feelings
that anger is masking in these incidents? How about some of these: feeling
rejected, feeling unloved or unappreciated, feeling of little value or worth.
Obviously, anger is something I can handle better than these emotions!
What
about something like ‘road rage?’ Doesn’t it seem absurd that anyone could get
so angry with another driver for cutting in or doing something stupid (like we
all do at times) that we want to holler, scream, make gestures and even attempt
to run them off the road!? What is really going on here? Why is anger surfacing
in such an absurd way? At this time of the road incident, we are obviously
thinking some rather bizarre thoughts, such as: “I am king of this highway and
should be able to do what I want and when I want to without any interference.”
“Your behavior almost caused me to be late, hurt, or inconvenienced. How
unthoughtful and stupid of you.” “Your behavior made me look stupid, and I do
not appreciate it one bit.” And on and on. The point is, no one can MAKE me
angry by what they say or do, don’t say or do. But if I THINK they are in any
way a threat or that they do not appreciate how wonderful I am, I will try to control
them and the situation by being angry. I choose to do that because of other
threats I am actually feeling.
Something
else we need to think about: Why does the anger of others make me feel
uncomfortable, maybe even threatened? And why do I feel the compulsion at times
to be a peacemaker or to fix the situation so the other person will no longer
feel anger? Back to the heart of the entire matter. I have needs and fears, and
what happens in the lives of others, specifically those who are important to me
on one level or another, really does effect me. My threat-level is heightened
when anger is around me, because I may (1) worry that I am really the cause and
therefore may be hurt or rejected in some way; (2) the emotion is simply one I
am not comfortable around, perhaps because of past experiences with people who
were angry. Sometimes my fear of anger in others is a fear of losing control or
of being hurt by the angry person. Some of the fear may linger from times in
our past and even in our childhood when an angry person did hurt or threaten us
in some way. How many children have been traumatized by the anger of a parent
toward them?
So,
what can I do about anger, in myself and in others?
1.
I would suggest that you read as much as you can
about the subject, because understanding something is the best first step in
knowing how to deal with it.
2.
Examine your own life as far as the anger-emotion
is concerned. How does it manifest itself in your own life? Look back at how
you and your family dealt with and expressed anger? Was it allowed in your
family? Did you learn healthy ways to express it, or were you taught to repress
it? Do you fear angry people? Have you ever used this emotion to cover up a
more painful one? Do you do that on a regular basis? Do you suppress anger or
tend to hold on to it for a long time?
How
can I help others deal with their anger? Here are a few things to consider/keep
in mind:
1.
Realize that they are more than likely masking
more hurtful or deeply painful feelings. Your own fear can be dissipated and
replaced by compassion when you realize what is really happening.
2.
Remember that they have learned how to cope with
their pain by using anger, and you should not try to diffuse the anger when
they are using it. If you do, you will make them more vulnerable to the pain
that is causing the anger in the first place. Any discussion or help will have
to occur after they have dealt with or diffused the anger they are
experiencing.
3.
Realize that some people need professional
counseling to help resolve anger. Your main role is to be someone who allows
them to vent when appropriate while trying to help them build on strengths or
relationships that will empower their threatened ego.
4.
Do not add to their pain by discounting what
they are feeling. Being supportive, understanding and a good listener are your
best tools when they are in pain.
5.
Come to grips with your own anger, how you deal
with it, what you fear about it, and whether you have a desire to keep it
alive. Or you may be someone who wants to eliminate it at all costs, in
yourself and in others. If you understand what is happening, you will more
likely feel less discomfort by someone’s outbursts, and therefore you can be more
supportive.
6.
You will have to decide whether or not you are
helpful or whether you are an enabler as far as the progress of the person is
concerned. Sometimes we have difficulty being the accountability someone needs
because of our own issues.
7.
Pray that the Lord will help heal the person of
the hurts that are causing the anger the person is expressing. You can share
your own story with them as to what you have learned about your own anger. In
such a non-threatening way, you may be able to be the light that brightens
their darkness.
